Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Friday, August 20, 2010
Monastery of the silence
Friar John enters in the ‘monastery of the silence’ and the superior tells him:
“Brother this is a silent monastery. Here you are welcome. You can stay as long as you want but you can’t speak until I tell you to speak “.
Friar John lived in the monastery a hole year before his superior told him:
“Brother John you have been here for a year. Now you can tell two words”.
Friar John answered: “Hard bed”.
“I’m sorry to hear that – told the Superior- We will give you immediately a better bed”.
The year after Friar John was called once again by his Superior.
“Today you can tell other two words friar John”.
“Cold food” told friar John and the Superior assured him that in the future the food will be better, and hot.”
On his third anniversary in the monastery the Superior called him once again in his office:
“Today you can tell two words”.
“I’m going away” told Friar John.
“It’s better – commented the Superior – since you’ve been here you was the pain in the ass!”.
I hope you like it. It's the bets joke I heard this year, and I liked to divide it with you. I received this joke via e-mail in my office, from my friend and business partner; obviously, he has nothing to do.
“Brother this is a silent monastery. Here you are welcome. You can stay as long as you want but you can’t speak until I tell you to speak “.
Friar John lived in the monastery a hole year before his superior told him:
“Brother John you have been here for a year. Now you can tell two words”.
Friar John answered: “Hard bed”.
“I’m sorry to hear that – told the Superior- We will give you immediately a better bed”.
The year after Friar John was called once again by his Superior.
“Today you can tell other two words friar John”.
“Cold food” told friar John and the Superior assured him that in the future the food will be better, and hot.”
On his third anniversary in the monastery the Superior called him once again in his office:
“Today you can tell two words”.
“I’m going away” told Friar John.
“It’s better – commented the Superior – since you’ve been here you was the pain in the ass!”.
I hope you like it. It's the bets joke I heard this year, and I liked to divide it with you. I received this joke via e-mail in my office, from my friend and business partner; obviously, he has nothing to do.
A nice Irish joke
- What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
- One less drunk at the funeral.
- One less drunk at the funeral.
Two jokes
Tax control
One snail runs, let’s say so, in a forest and meets one fox. The fox asks her:
- Why are you so in hurry?
- I’m escaping form tax inspector.
- But what a tax inspector can want from you?
- You know, I have a house, my husband has a house and our children have house.
At this point, the fox starts running and after few hundred meters meets monkey. Monkey says:
- It’s seem to me that you are escaping from something.
- Yes, I’m running away from tax inspector.
- Sorry, but what do you have with tax inspector?
- I have fur, my husband has fur, and children too.
And monkey start escaping, too. Somebody asks her:
- Why are you escaping?
- You know that we with naked ass are always the first to be punished.
Women
Afternoon of one beautiful Saturday. Three women play golf. One of them is not very practice and her ball fly into the forest. She goes in the forest to look for the ball and find a frog caught in a trap. The frog says to her:
- Set me free me and I will fulfill your three wishes!
Women, without hesitant, release the frog and frog says:
- Thank you good woman, but I forgot to mention something. Whatever you desire, your husband will get 10 times better.
-It’s OK for me.
Her first wish is to become the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog replies:
- Well, I'll do it, but I guess you know that your husband will be 10 times more beautiful, a really Adonis? All women in the world will want him.
- And I will be the most beautiful, so he will love only me.
And so she becomes the most beautiful woman in the world.
Now she wishes to become the richest woman in the world. The frog says:
- OK, but you must know that your husband will be 10 times richer than you?
- We have all properties in common, and that it isn’t a problem.
She becomes the richest woman in the world. Then she express her third, the last wish:
- I want to get an LIGHT heart attack.
The moral of the story is: women are intelligent. You should never joke with them!
NOTE: If you are female, do not read further, for you this is the end of the joke. Stop here and feel superior!
If you are man: the man had 10 times LIGHTER heart attack!
The second moral of the joke is: women think they are very intelligent. Let them think so and enjoy the spectacle.
PS
If you're female and you are still reading, this is proof that women NEVER listen!
One snail runs, let’s say so, in a forest and meets one fox. The fox asks her:
- Why are you so in hurry?
- I’m escaping form tax inspector.
- But what a tax inspector can want from you?
- You know, I have a house, my husband has a house and our children have house.
At this point, the fox starts running and after few hundred meters meets monkey. Monkey says:
- It’s seem to me that you are escaping from something.
- Yes, I’m running away from tax inspector.
- Sorry, but what do you have with tax inspector?
- I have fur, my husband has fur, and children too.
And monkey start escaping, too. Somebody asks her:
- Why are you escaping?
- You know that we with naked ass are always the first to be punished.
Women
Afternoon of one beautiful Saturday. Three women play golf. One of them is not very practice and her ball fly into the forest. She goes in the forest to look for the ball and find a frog caught in a trap. The frog says to her:
- Set me free me and I will fulfill your three wishes!
Women, without hesitant, release the frog and frog says:
- Thank you good woman, but I forgot to mention something. Whatever you desire, your husband will get 10 times better.
-It’s OK for me.
Her first wish is to become the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog replies:
- Well, I'll do it, but I guess you know that your husband will be 10 times more beautiful, a really Adonis? All women in the world will want him.
- And I will be the most beautiful, so he will love only me.
And so she becomes the most beautiful woman in the world.
Now she wishes to become the richest woman in the world. The frog says:
- OK, but you must know that your husband will be 10 times richer than you?
- We have all properties in common, and that it isn’t a problem.
She becomes the richest woman in the world. Then she express her third, the last wish:
- I want to get an LIGHT heart attack.
The moral of the story is: women are intelligent. You should never joke with them!
NOTE: If you are female, do not read further, for you this is the end of the joke. Stop here and feel superior!
If you are man: the man had 10 times LIGHTER heart attack!
The second moral of the joke is: women think they are very intelligent. Let them think so and enjoy the spectacle.
PS
If you're female and you are still reading, this is proof that women NEVER listen!
Practicity
After a little pause due to my private and business duties, I’m back. Here is an old joke about relationship between United Stats and former Soviet Union, at the time of cold war. Old one, but really good joke – hope you like it.
During the cold war, in the seventies, the fear of Soviet’s communism was widespread in all of the Western world countries. The subsequent conversation takes place in the office of the President of the United States of America.
- Mr. President, the Russians have just landed on the Moon and started painting it red! They are working really quick and already a quarter of the Moon is painted!
- Explain to me what is the problem, please?
- But Mr. President, if they make it all red, the communist symbol will be over heads of the entire world inhabitants!
- Don’t worry about it, just let them work.
Three days after, the adviser enters into President’s office again, very agitated.
- Mr. President, they are almost done with the first half! What should we do?
- No worries about, just let them keep going.
Later that week, the same adviser desolately announce to the President.
- Mr. President, if you look up, you’ll see that the Moon is completely red now. The Russians are done.
- Ok, now that they are done, please launch one of our space rocket and have them write “Coca-Cola” right across.
During the cold war, in the seventies, the fear of Soviet’s communism was widespread in all of the Western world countries. The subsequent conversation takes place in the office of the President of the United States of America.
- Mr. President, the Russians have just landed on the Moon and started painting it red! They are working really quick and already a quarter of the Moon is painted!
- Explain to me what is the problem, please?
- But Mr. President, if they make it all red, the communist symbol will be over heads of the entire world inhabitants!
- Don’t worry about it, just let them work.
Three days after, the adviser enters into President’s office again, very agitated.
- Mr. President, they are almost done with the first half! What should we do?
- No worries about, just let them keep going.
Later that week, the same adviser desolately announce to the President.
- Mr. President, if you look up, you’ll see that the Moon is completely red now. The Russians are done.
- Ok, now that they are done, please launch one of our space rocket and have them write “Coca-Cola” right across.
Tech Support
Customer: "One of my friends gave me an ImageWriter printer and this keyboard. He said he gave me all the cables, but I can't figure out how to connect them. Am I missing something?"
Tech Support: "Well, a computer would help."
Customer: "You mean this keyboard isn't a word processor?"
Tech Support: "No ma'am, its just an input device."
Customer: "Then I need to buy a computer, right?"
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer: "Do you think I'll need a monitor, too?"
Tech Support: "Well, a computer would help."
Customer: "You mean this keyboard isn't a word processor?"
Tech Support: "No ma'am, its just an input device."
Customer: "Then I need to buy a computer, right?"
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer: "Do you think I'll need a monitor, too?"
Don't Look at the Light!
Customer: "My mouse doesn't work any more."
Tech Support: "Is it an optical or ball mouse?"
Customer: "Huh?"
Tech Support: "Does it have a ball or light?"
Customer: "It has an light on top."
Tech Support: "On top?"
Customer: "Yeah. It was underneath before, but it looks better when it's on top."
Tech Support: "Ok, try turning it around so the light points down on the desk."
Customer: "Oh! It works!"
Tech Support: "Is it an optical or ball mouse?"
Customer: "Huh?"
Tech Support: "Does it have a ball or light?"
Customer: "It has an light on top."
Tech Support: "On top?"
Customer: "Yeah. It was underneath before, but it looks better when it's on top."
Tech Support: "Ok, try turning it around so the light points down on the desk."
Customer: "Oh! It works!"
English jokes
Top 7 reasons why I joined IT ...
1) I hated sleep.
************ *
2) I had enjoyed my life enough.
************ *
3) I couldn't live without tension.
************ *
4) I wanted to pay for my sins.
************ *
5) I believed in the Bhagwad Geeta principle : Do work,Don't care about results.
************ *
6) Everything in life has a reason; I wanted to prove it wrong.
************ *
7) I wanted to take revenge on myself .
************ *
************ *
2) I had enjoyed my life enough.
************ *
3) I couldn't live without tension.
************ *
4) I wanted to pay for my sins.
************ *
5) I believed in the Bhagwad Geeta principle : Do work,Don't care about results.
************ *
6) Everything in life has a reason; I wanted to prove it wrong.
************ *
7) I wanted to take revenge on myself .
************ *
Thursday, May 20, 2010
English jokes
If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[waiter leaves]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[waiter leaves]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
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